A Complete Loser Like Me.

Hey, wake up. 

Get a grip on yourself.

You know you have nobody on your side. 

A complete loner.

A LOSER.

Revenge? 

Don't utter even a word about revenge when you can't even get a grip on yourself. 

You're too depending on your heart.

Later it will turn your life into disaster. 

You can go on, assuming that you've woke up, turning 180 degrees from your will.

But that's not enough. 

You didn't froze your heart.

Because you really don't know that you're standing near a cliff.

Anytime you can fall off the cliff.

They love it when you cry.

They happy seeing you down.

Behind their sweet smile lies beneath their hatred towards you.

Yes, they're jealous.

Huh, you already know right?

But why you let yourself still?

Why don't you defend yourself?

It is your fault.

Because you didn't froze your heart.

You keeps giving all your useless heart towards them.

To put in a simple word, you care others hearts more than your own. 

A stupid person will always do that.

You're the stupid one.

Really, nobody's on your side now.

Because you keeps lying behind them. 

Why did you lie? 

Why turn yourself a bad person when you're not?

Ah, actually you're already tired of acting tough lately, no?

You're tired of being seen as an independent woman where you can do anything you want without any help.

Seeing a tough person down, haha, that's the most amusement thing to look forward to.

You know that too, right?

You should take care of yourself more.

Burn all those black memories.

You should learn to ignore those whom ignored you.

You should stop giving too much when what you get was only disappointment.

You should start to love yourself more. 

Learn to say no, when they ask what you can't.

Learn to say stop, when they continue making the fool out of you.

Learn to smile a lot, when they're getting on your nerve.

Then wake up and fight.

You have nothing to lose. You have nobody to lose.

You are actually have nothing.

You're just always lucky, the luck charm always with you. 

Your mother's prayer, that is.

You should know that you will lose everything sooner or later.

So don't have any regret to fight.

You are too good to be called a loser.

You know you're the chosen one to feel all these tests.

You're very special.

Don't let someone unworthy take you down easily.

You know you're strong. 

If not, you wouldn't dare to spit on yourself right now. 

You should put more effort.

You should turn 360 degrees around.

Have a look at their hateful faces.

Remember to always keep your smile on.

Let them know who they're picking on.

Don't let them call you LOSER anymore.
You know you're not.

Wrapped.

Assalamualaikum~

Sudah sebulan lebih aku tak menulis.  Recently, aku berada di tahap motivasi yang sangat rendah. Susah betul untuk aku ke kelas awal pagi. Biasanya aku hanya akan sampai ke kelas untuk waktu subjek kedua dan keatas. Sukar untuk orang nampak muka aku di kelas pertama. Bukannya aku tak bangun awal, biasanya sebaik saja masuk waktu subuh aku dah celik mata, tetapi untuk melangkah keluar dari ARMA tersayang ni... Phew~ Sabar, aku sedang maintenance diri sendiri. Asalkan takde orang buat motivation aku down lagi, it's ok.

Ape aku buat masa winter break yang lepas? Aku melancong ke France selama 5 hari bersama lagi 3 sahabat sekuliah aku. Heh, biasanya sebelum aku pergi mesti wajib aku bising kat sini kan? But aku tak sempat pun nak menulis sebelum berangkat. Dengan keadaan baru lepas exam dan enjoy-enjoy sekejap di Cairo kemudian terus fly ke France. Pulang je dari France terus kena angkut ke Hurghada. Fuh.

Before aku ke France, actually banyak perkara yang dah berlaku. Banyak kawan yang baru aku jumpa. Banyak pengalaman baru yang belum pernah aku alami pun berlaku.

I guess, it was the time that I should learn how to accept one's weakness and learn how to overcome those with the strength within me.

Or, maybe I should learn to not pay attention to simple matters that supposedly not affect me at all. Ignorant.

p/s : Does anybody knows what COUGAR means?

Ja ne.

Being myself doesn't matter anymore.

Assalamualaikum.

Aku di dalam krisis membenci diri sendiri. Bukan completely benci. Cuma aku benci beberapa benda yang ada dalam diri aku.

Aku sangat cepat percaya pada kata-kata orang, which is why I'm always being fooled by some people. And I hate it when people take this advantage to lie to me and play with my heart.  But, I can't help it. It is my nature.

Aku jujur pada orang lain. Yeah, there's someone that loves me for being honest, but there were others that didn't. I will honestly tell stories to the person I'm comfortable with. But then, sometimes my words could hurt them unintentionally. Is it my fault for being truthful when talking and giving advice?

Ni yang paling aku tak dapat halang. Aku tersangat mudah memaafkan orang. And bila aku dah maafkan orang tu, aku tak serik untuk kembali seperti biasa dengannya. Ya, bukanlah salah untuk mudah memaafkan, tapi sometimes it hurts me bila kesalahan tu diulang berkali-kali.

Apabila aku mudah memaafkan, aku akan mudah memberi peluang kedua ketiga keempat keberapa kali. Tapi malangnya bila ada seseorang yang tak pernah menghargai peluang yang aku beri. Aku sangat sangat lah pantang apabila dia over confident yang aku akan keep giving him/her more chances and keep playing with me like a toy. Don't wait until the time when I left, and I won't turn back anymore, then you will start to regret. Don't.

I can't say when I hate it then I will stop it. I can't stop being like this for no reason. I hate being hypocrite. I hate to act tough when I'm not. I hate hiding my anger, I hate lies, I hate dishonesty.

Maybe I might stop being myself for a while, even though it felt lonely sometimes.

Its the first time I ever felt this lonely
I wish someone could cure this pain
Its funny when you think its gonna work out
Til you chose weed over me, you're so lame
I thought you were cool until the point
But up until the point you didnt call me
When you said you would
I finally figured out youre all the same
Always coming up with some kind of story

Everytime I try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You can't
Youre too tough
You think you're loveless
Is that too much that I'm asking for?

I thought you'd come around when I ignored you
So I thought you'd have the decency to change
But babe, I guess you didn't take that warning
'Cause I'm not about to look at your face again

Can't you see that you lie to yourself
You can't see the world through a mirror
It wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

But everytime I try to make you smile
You'd always grow up feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You stand like a stone
Alone in your zone
Is it too much that I'm asking for?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Can't find where i am
Lying here
Alone I fear
Afraid of the dark
No one to claim
Alone again

Can't you see that you lie to yourself
You can't see the world through a mirror
It wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

Everytime I try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You can't
You're too tough
You think you're loveless
It was too much that I'm asking for?

I'm sorry, if I did wrong. This is all I could do to keep things back to it's place.

Ja ne.

Today will be the last time, and I will...

Assalamualaikum~

Aku sedang menunggu air sedang dipanaskan. Sambil-sambil tu aku mendengar music di Ipod ku. Lagu Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part sedang menusuk menggegarkan gegendang telingaku lalu menyalurkan gegaran tersebut kepada tiga tulang-tulang kecil didalamnya, lalu tersalur ke cochlea, dan terus menuju ke otakku melalui saraf-sarafnya yang berselirat. Ciptaan Allah itu terlalu kompleks, baru ilmu sedikit tentang anatomy telinga, belum lagi tentang anggota pancaindera yang lain.

Air panas sudah siap masak lalu ku tuang ke dalam mug besar pemberian Sara temanku dari Mansoura yang dibelinya dari UK. Agaknya bilalah akan aku jejak tanah itu? Nantikan. :) Lalu aku kacau nescafe Gold bersama coffeemate. I'm going to pull out the night because I have Restorative Dentistry mid term exam tomorrow. Actually aku sepatutnya mula revise dari pagi tadi, but something has cropped out and I wasn't be able to start it yet. Dan sekarang maybe I will get through it somehow.

I really hate to pretend my own feelings, but somehow, I did it for the sake of someone. And now I found out THAT someone, really doesn't care anymore. Hati aku terasa sangat-sangat sakit. Tak dapat dibayangkan oleh akal warasku. Benda yang aku dah berikan dengan elok-elok kepadanya, sekarang benda tu dikembalikan dengan keadaan rosak yang tak dapat dibaiki lagi. Dan aku telah kehilangan benda itu.

Mungkin kamu dah dapat kebahagiaan yang kamu cari, lalu kamu campak benda yang telah aku berikan kepada kamu dengan tanpa perasaan. Mungkin juga kamu tak tahu, yang aku bukannya robot, tak berperasaan. Aku yang tak pernah cuba untuk membenci kamu, kamu berjaya merubah situasi itu. Aku yang tak pernah berhenti berusaha ke arah kamu, tapi akhirnya kamu berpaling daripada aku. Baiklah, aku akhirnya faham, kamu sememangnya sudah berhenti memberi peluang kepada aku, sudah berhenti percaya kepadaku dan sudah letih untuk setia kepada aku lagi. Inilah yang kamu nak daripada aku kan? Supaya aku lepaskan kamu.

Baiklah, aku lepaskan kamu. Terbanglah ke mana saja yang kamu mahu. Cuma pesanan aku, please please please, hidup dengan lebih gembira lepas ni, kerana aku akan sangat sangat sangat menyesal kerana lepaskan kamu jika kamu hidup dengan sebaliknya. Kerana aku terlalu sayangkan kamu. And I can no longer hold you back, because I see that you've found someone that makes you happier, bukan diriku. Dan bila aku sangat perlukan kamu, kamu abaikan semuanya. Dan satu lagi pesanan untuk kamu, don't do what you did to me, to another woman you love. Because it hurts well.

Air nescafe tadi sudah habis aku minum sambil-sambil menaip entry ini. Dan selepas ni aku akan mula membuka buku, revise setakat mana aku mampu sehingga pagi esok. Harap Tuhan bukakan pintu ingatan aku. Dan aku berharap agar aku dapat lupakan perasaan ini terhadap kamu, kerana kamu tak pernah nak hargainya.

Never mind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you, Don't forget me I beg, I remember you said, Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead... (Someone Like You - Adele)

Yeah, lagu ini sedang dimainkan dalam Ipod. Aku takkan jumpa lagi seseorang seperti kamu. Kamu yang pendiam, kamu yang tenang, kamu yang punyai senyuman dari syurga, kamu yang aku sayang. Time will always heals the pain. And for the last time, I really write this from the bottom of my heart, I love you, AAR.

P/S : Hari ni 7 January birthday ex-boyfriend aku, and I finally called him after about 10 months after the last time we met. Happy Birthday Mr.Farizz. Hope you will achieve your dreams, stands still and don't fall. The best thing about you, you never change, and me either. And the best thing about us, we're still friends and moving on, right? :)

Ja ne.